Playing with Matches
by I-love-Gollum
Summary: Playing with Matches is a blind dating show with random characters from mismatched books and movies.
1. Artemis Fowl & Hermione Granger

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

AN: Giggles is based off of my dear sister, who helped me so much to write the stories, and Cackles is based off of me in a weird twisted sort of way.

Episode 1: Artemis Fowl & Hermione Granger 

Cackles: Hello and welcome to _Playing with Matches! _Hee hee hee…

Giggles: I'm Gigglefits. Giggles for short, and I am your host! This here is our other, less important host. Watch out for her, she bites!

Cackles: Hee hee hee!

Giggles: Anyway… I'd like to get started with the show, because I have to do my older sister, Cackles's, geometry homework. Can you believe she's only paying me a dollar?

Cackles: Hee hee hee!

Giggles: Yet again, we remind our readers that playing with matches is dangerous!

Cackles: Hee hee hee!

Giggles: Shut up! Anyhooow, here are our first guests! Bring them in!

Random person leads in frizzy haired girl with large teeth. She is blindfolded

Giggles: You idiot! Blind date is metaphorical!

person takes off blind fold and cowers in corner

Giggles: Hullo Hermione!

Hermione: What is going on?

Giggles: You're here to go on a blind date with somebody extra special! He's smart too, so you should like him!

Cackles: Hee hee hee!

Hermione: Who is it?

Doors burst open. Seven police officers and three army reserve people drag in a pale Irish boy.

Artemis Fowl: You stupid morons! If Butler were here you'd be sorry! As it is, you'll be even sorrier! I can hack into your accounts; I can destroy your lives!

Hermione: Extra "special" eh?

Cackles: Got him directly out of Juvie! Hee hee hee!

Hermione: Well I don't like him. He's got dirt on his nose.

Artemis: I do? Where? Get me a mirror! It isn't on my suit is it? You know this thing cost me 100,000 pounds!

Hermione: That's insane. I don't think I've spent that much in my life.

Artemis: Well you aren't a child prodigy criminal mastermind, are you?

Hermione: Child prodigy yes, mastermind yes. Criminal no.

Artemis: Obviously not a mastermind if you talk like that all the time.

Giggles: Okay you two lovebirds, time to get rolling.

Hermione and Artemis: Where are we going?

Giggles: The movies! We already bought tickets for you to Lord of the Rings!

Cackles: Hee hee hee! Lord of the Rings…

Hermione: Oh goodie!

Artemis (mumbling): Bloody waste of my time…

All four (plus unseen T.V. crew) pile into a van. Artemis is sitting with absolutely no expression. Hermione is reading.

Giggles: Okay, have a nice time, here are your tickets! Don't kill each other!

Both: Grumble.

Giggles (to T.V. crew): Okay, they're gone, let's go.

They all get up into the ceiling with a ladder and set up camera above Artemis and Hermione though a light

Giggles: Shhhh. Start filming!

Film begins to roll as the movie starts

Movie: Go back to the shadow!

Artemis: This is lame. If Butler were here I wouldn't have to put up with this.

Hermione: Shhhhh… I love this movie!

Artemis: I don't even have my laptop.

Hermione: Shhhhh!

Artemis: They took my cell phone away too.

Hermione: Will you shut up?

Artemis: Life sucks. Where's Holly Short when you bloody need her?

Hermione: Petrificus Totalus!

Artemis goes rigid as a board and falls over on floor

Hermione: Finally!

Artemis: ……….

Hermione: Awww… Poor ickle Arty! You want me to let you out?

Random person from audience: Shut the fing h up!

Hermione: You promise you'll shut up? Really? Then do you promise you'll be nice? Really? Then do you also promise you'll stop being a criminal? Really? Wow. Okay then!

Hermione releases the spell

Artemis (grabbing wand): Where did you get this?

Hermione: It's my wand give it back!

Entire Audience: SHUT UP!

Artemis: You can do magic? Eureka! Another magical race to exploit! Mind if I borrow this for a day?

Hermione: YES! Return my wand at once! I'll report you, and I assure you, Dumbledore won't be too pleased! Neither will my parents. They're dentists you know.

Artemis: I'll give you a thousand pounds for it.

Hermione (snatching wand out of his hand): You are by far the worst Muggle boy I have ever seen.

Doors burst open and Giggles and Cackles come rushing in and pull the two apart.

Giggles: I told you two not to kill each other! This is supposed to be a date!

Hermione: He started it!

Artemis: She started it!

Cackles and Giggles drag both out of theater. Applause arises from audience

Later 

Giggles: Well, that didn't go too well, did it Cackles?

Cackles: Hee hee hee, not at all…

Giggles: Next time we'll pick our candidates more carefully.

Cackles: Hee hee hee…

Giggles: Well, that about sums it up for this episode of _Playing with Matches!_ Tune in next time!


	2. Gollum & Lizzie McGuire

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

AN: Giggles is based off of my dear sister, who helped me so much to write the stories, and Cackles is based off of me in a weird twisted sort of way.

Episode 2: Gollum and Lizzie McGuire 

Giggles: Well, we're back, for this week's episode of _Playing with Matches! _Cackles and I have been exceedingly creative this time in choosing characters.

Cackles: Hee hee hee! Wait… who _did _we pick?

Giggles: Gollum and Lizzie McGuire!

Audience: YAY!

Cackles: WHAT? HE'S MINE! YOU ARE SENTENCING MY SEXY BABY TO A DATE WITH _HER_?

Giggles: You got a problem with that?

Cackles: Yes, I have a problem with that! Gollum and I are going steady!

Giggles: What the…?

Cackles: Hee hee hee…

Giggles: Well what do we do now? There're going to be here any minute!

Cackles: I think it's time for… (_Cackles begins to hum her own dramatic theme song that she made up_) KUNG FU ACTION!

Giggles: Oh great, here we go again with the Matrix.

Cackles: Hwa! Take that and that!

_Door bursts open and Lizzie McGuire comes in_

Lizzie: So where is my like totally like hot date?

Giggles: He'll be here soon.

Cackles (_jumping in anticipation_): Hee hee hee!

Lizzie: Like omg, you have like serious issues.

_Door opens to reveal person holding large wriggling sack_

Cackles: Let him out you trixy false people! He's mine!

_Gollum falls out of sack_

Gollum: AAAAHHHHH! Cruel men hurts us! Giggles trixed us!

Giggles: Sorry.

Cackles (_rushing up to hug Gollum_): I love you Gollum!

Lizzie: Whoa like major deja vu of my brother.

Cackles (_glaring at Lizzie_): You can't have him!

Lizzie: What are you like talking about? Where is my like totally like hot date?

Giggles: That's him. How do you like him?

Lizzie: Shriek!

Giggles (_maliciously_): I thought so.

Gollum (_trying in vain to pry himself loose from Cackles_): What's it doing, Precious?

Cackles: Yes, I am your precious!

Lizzie: Like omg, that is like soooooo wrong!

Giggles (_Prying Cackles off Gollum_): Sorry Lizzie, you'll have your date in no time, just hold on a second.

_Cackles is gagged and tied to a chair_

Giggles: OK then, I'll just leave you two alone.

_Giggles walks out of room_

Lizzie: So, um, do you want to get out of here?

Gollum (_nervously eying Cackles, who has almost broken out of her bindings_): Yes precious, we does.

Lizzie: OK! I have several of my own cars; let's go get something to eat.

_Lizzie and Gollum get in her Mercedes Benz_

Lizzie: So, like um, where do want to go?

Gollum: We likes fish Precious.

Lizzie: Great! I know like a killer Sushi bar we can go to!

Gollum: Is it tasty, is it juicy, is it tender, Precious?

Lizzie: That is sooooo like sweet! You have a pet name for me!

_Lizzie and Gollum arrive at restaurant_

Waiter: Hello, how would you like your Sushi, Miss?

Lizzie: I'll have some sushi rolls.

Waiter: And you Sir?

Gollum: Give it to us raw and wriggling!

Waiter: But you've got to have taters and seasoning!

Gollum: No we doesn't, does we precious.

Lizzie: The customer is like so always right.

Waiter: OK, fine.

Gollum: Spoiling nice fish…

Lizzie: You're pretty cute! Like how old did you say you were?

Gollum: We're hundreds of years old, we is.

Lizzie (_Covering cough_): Well, you uh… look pretty uh good for your age… uh… I guess.

Waiter: Here is your sushi, Miss.

Lizzie: Do you have any salt?

Waiter: And here is yours, Sir.

_Gollum snatches the live fish out of his hands and begins to devour it._

Lizzie: Ewww… I think I need to like throw up!

_Lizzie rushes for the Ladies room but bumps into Cackles_

Cackles: So.

Lizzie: Gulp.

Cackles: Decided to steal my sexy baby, eh?

Lizzie: Well uh…

Cackles: Even though he's going steady with me?

Lizzie: Well, he wanted to go out with _me_ so obviously he doesn't care that you two are going steady.

Cackles: He's too stupid to know what going steady means! It's not his fault!

Lizzie: Are you trying to take what I have rightfully stolen?

Cackles (_delayed reaction):_ Um… YES!

_Cackles runs over and grabs Gollum and disappears out the door._

Lizzie: WAAAAHHHH! She like stole my like totally hot date! I guess I'll just go home and make out with Gordo. Sigh…

Later

Giggles: Where is Cackles? Cackles? Oh well. I guess she got loose. I'll just say goodbye myself. This concludes this episode of _Playing with Matches._ Yet again we remind our readers and viewers that playing with matches is dangerous. Also, dating random characters from books, movies and shows can be dangerous as demonstrated in the previous episodes. Please do not try these things at home!


	3. Wormtongue & Trelawney

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

AN: Giggles is based off of my dear sister, who helped me so much to write the stories, and Cackles is based off of me in a weird twisted sort of way.

Episode 3: Wormtongue and Trelawney 

Giggles: Hello and welcome to _Playing with Matches_! I still can't find Cackles, and I need her consent to arrange a date, so I'll just have to keep you entertained. (_does mad tap dance)_ Ok, enough of that, now why did the chicken cross the road?

Audience: …..

Giggles: Because it felt like it!

Audience: …...

Giggles: Now I'm going to lead everyone in the "time warp." Follow after me. It's just a jump to the left! And a step to the right! Put your hands on your hips, and pull your knees in tight! And it's the pelvic thrust! That really drives you insane! Let's do the time warp again! (_repeats five times_)

Audience: groan…..

_Door bursts open and a creepy looking character walks in. He has no eyebrows, and uneven colored eyes. His hair is really greasy._

Giggles: OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Voice from off stage: Hee hee hee!

Giggles: Cackles, you're back! What is that?

Cackles: I thought I'd arrange something for our audience, because you have no talent, and are therefore worthless. Plus, you could never get a hot date! (_puts arm around Gollum)_ Isn't that right, precious?

Gollum: Take it off us!

Audience: EEEEWWWWW!

Giggles: Who else is coming?

Cackles: Everyone necessary is here.

Giggles: What?

Cackles: I decided you weren't involved enough!

_Freaky suspenseful music comes on._

Giggles: WHAT?

Cackles: I'm joking; Trelawney should be here any moment.

_Trelawney enters._

Cackles: I told you so!

Trelawney: Yes, my dear, you are blessed with the inner eye! (_to Wormtongue)_ What's this?

Cackles: That's your date! Run along now, have fun!

Trelawney: I came out of my tower for this? (_to Wormtongue)_ My dear, you should have died years ago!

Wormtongue: blink blink……. HEY!

Trelawney: The alignment of the stars suggests that you only have three hours to live!

Wormtongue: Let's make the most of it!

Trelawney: SHRIEK! Very bad aura! VERY BAD AURA!

Wormtongue: I brought Monopoly.

Trelawney: Oh. Ok. YES! I get the top hat!

Wormtongue: I get the racecar.

Trelawney: No, dear, the position of Jupiter is such that you must have the iron.

Wormtongue: I lost it in the couch cushions.

Trelawney: That means you only have two hours.

Wormtongue: Oh well, I never really had a social life anyway. (_sings) _I'm all alone! There's no one here besiiiiiiiiide meeeee!

Audience: Shriek!

Giggles: Well, this should keep the audience enraptured.

Audience: pouring out of theater I want my money back! I'm suing! I'm getting serious therapy!

_Cackles and Gollum begin to leave._

Giggles: Where are you going?

_Cackles winks._

Trelawney: You stupid nincompoop! I landed on Baltic Avenue first!

Giggles: There goes my funding. Why does this never work out? Oh yeah, that's right, because it's a blind dating show with characters from miscellaneous books. Oh well. (_to empty audience) _Thank you for coming to see the latest episode of _Playing with Matches_, live! Yet again we remind all of our viewers not to play with matches. It's dangerous. (_to camera person) _Ok, that's a wrap Harry….ette.

Harriett: Hey!


	4. Sabriel & Neo

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

AN: Giggles is based off of my dear sister, who helped me so much to write the stories, and Cackles is based off of me in a weird twisted sort of way.

Episode 4: Sabriel and Neo 

Giggles: Welcome to the first episode of Playing with Matches that will actually work out! I fired Cackles!

Voice from off stage: Hee hee hee!

Giggles: Dammit!

Audience: Janet.

Giggles: Anyway, we managed to erase Trinity and Touchstone from their minds so there aren't any complications, previous engagements and or dedications. They're already here. Random Person, could you please bring them in?

random person: That's not my real name, that's just how it appears in the script.

Giggles: Shut up! There isn't a script! I assure our viewers that this is purely improv!

_Random person (whose real name is Harry…ette and is also the camera person. He/she has no specified gender) walks to door and leads in two people. Neo is wearing a trench coat. Sabriel has full armor, and her sword is drawn. _

Neo: (_nervously glancing at Sabriel) _How come you let her keep her sword but you took away my guns?

Guard: THAT'S A REAL SWORD? BRING IN BACKUP!

Neo: Oops.

Giggles: It's fake.

Sabriel: (_drawing Kibeth, the walker) _How dare y…

Giggles: Shut up. It's fake.

_Sabriel reluctantly puts the bell, Kibeth away. _

Giggles: Okay, I've planned and all-nighter for you two at Laser Quest!

Neo: Do I get real guns?

Giggles: Hmmm… let me think… No.

Sabriel: Can I keep my sword?

Giggles: Is it fake?

Sabriel: No, it is etched with charter marks for binding and killing and burning and…

Giggles: How 'bout not.

Sabriel: May the fleas of a thousand Mordaunts infest your armpits.

Giggles: Thanks. Ok, get into the car. I hope you don't mind, you're being filmed.

Sabriel: What does that mean?

Neo: Film me, I don't care. The footage doesn't even exist.

Giggles: GREAT!

Neo: Damn! Reverse psychology never works!

Giggles: Get in the car, I'm driving.

Audience: shriek!

Giggles: Hey, Neo, can I have your autograph?

Neo: What's it to you? Who are you going to give it to? The Merovingian? I knew you were one of them!

Giggles: Fine, fine. Just get in the bloody car, we don't have all day.

Neo: (_Running up wall and landing in_ _Matrix fight stance) _Never!

Sabriel: I'm bored. I really don't have time for this. Goes into Death

Giggles: Dammit.

Audience: Janet.

Neo: Wow, MAJOR glitch in the Matrix!

Sabriel: (_exiting death) _Hey, I can do something Neo can't! Ha ha! Wheeee!

Giggles: I'm counting to ten.

Neo and Sabriel: Fine, fine, we're moving. Stay cool.

Cackles: (_entering and stopping dead in her tracks upon seeing Neo)_ Oh my god, it's that shmactor. NOOOO!

Neo: What the…

Giggles: She can't stand people who suck at acting. You're a shmactor.

Neo:….

Giggles: Don't pretend that you don't know what a shmactor is.

Neo: ….

Giggles: Car! Now! I'm counting to three!

_Neo does the superman thing all the way to the car. _

Sabriel: (_Getting into the car)_ Wow, sexy.

Neo: Crap, is my fly unzipped again?

Sabriel: Bad, _bad_, _BAD_ mental image. And I was referring to the sexy brown minivan.

Giggles: Ok I'm here.

Cackles: And us too. _(Cackles and Gollum pile into the backseat next to Neo.) _

Everyone else: NOOOOOOOO!

_The car ride _

Neo: I pity you. You're still plugged into the Matrix.

Sabriel: I pity _you. _You can't act and you're stupid.

Giggles: Don't make me come back there, you two!

Neo: I can free your mind. (_seemingly to self) _Ow! Morpheus! Shut up!

Sabriel: (_pointing to small black earpiece)_ What's that in your ear?

Neo: It links me back to Morpheus. OWWW!

Sabriel: Can't you think for yourself?

Cackles: I wouldn't talk if I were you.

Sabriel: So Mogget gives me _one _little suggestion! Ok, maybe two… or three…but still! That doesn't mean I'm stupid!

Cackles: cough cough

_Upon arriving at Laser Quest:_

Neo: Have you ever used a gun?

Sabriel: They never work.

Neo: Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, not on _me _at least.

_Sabriel rolls her eyes. She puts on a vest and draws the gun. _

Neo: Ok, let's go.

Laser Quest Person: If you wimp out call "Marshel Marshel Marshel." Don't kill each other, and if you do, don't sue us. Ok, you can go now.

_The game begins. _

Sabriel: zap zap

Neo: Wait, how do you work this?

Sabriel: zap zap zap

Neo: It won't work! Mommy!

Sabriel: Zap This is boring. zap

Neo: MARSHEL MARSHEL MARSHEL!

Laser Quest Person: Pull the trigger.

Neo: Oh, right. Heh… heh… zap zap

Sabriel: zap zap

Neo: (_Dodging every single one) _Yawn.

Sabriel: Dammit.

Everyone else: Janet.

Neo: Ok, this isn't working. Let's team up.

Sabriel: Ok.

_Meanwhile: _

_Mission__ Impossible theme. Cackles is chasing Gollum. _

Cackles: You can run, but you can't hide!

Gollum: Yes we can, precious.

Cackles: (_looking in vain for Gollum) _Ok, so maybe you can…

_Meanwhile: _

Giggles: Where is everyone!

Neo: (_jumping out from behind wall) _Aha!

Giggles: _death spasms _AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

_After the game: _

Neo: Wow, you were pretty good. For your first time, at least.

Sabriel: Yeah, first place. Thanks. You didn't do bad either, fifth!

Giggles: There were only five people playing.

Cackles: YOU DON'T COUNT GOLLUM?

Giggles: Gollum is a river-folk person.

Cackles: WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Don't worry Gollum, I love you!

Gollum: _backs away slowly Err….. _

Neo: So… Um… Do you want to go see a movie?

Cackles: (_Hugging Gollum)_ No thanks, I'm already taken.

Neo: I wasn't talking to you, idiot.

Sabriel: Sure. What do you want to see?

Neo: Well, my latest flick is out, Matrix Reloaded!

Sabriel: …..….

Neo: …or we could see Lord of the Rings.

Sabriel: Yay! Peter Jackson, now there's a director who know his stuff!

Audience: Woot!

Neo: Grumble….

_At the theater: _

Giggles: Alright, let's all get tickets.

Neo: See! There's the poster for Matrix Reloaded!

_Unanimous eye roll. _

Neo: See, that's me, that's Morpheus, and that's…

Giggles: Uh oh…

Neo: Who is that there in the middle? I don't remember her….

Giggles: I vote we not see a movie! Let's all go this way, shall we? (_Tugs on Neo's arm) _

Neo: Hold on, it's on the tip of my mind…

Giggles: It's nobody, it must be an accident or a typo. That's it, they just inserted a random person in the middle of your poster! How dare they?

Neo: Let's see it says there that I'm Neo, and that there is someone named Trinity.

_Giggles bangs her head against wall. _

Neo: Wait a second… I know her! That's Trinity! Hey! (_to Sabriel) _What are you doing here!

Sabriel: What do you mean "What am I doing here?" I'm your date!

Neo: NO! I'm with Trinity!

Sabriel: WHAT?

Neo: (_pointing an accusing finger at Giggles) _You! You set us up and deleted Trinity from my memory! It's _your _fault!

Sabriel: You set me up with someone who already has a girlfriend!

Giggles: It's _called_ a publicity stunt, duh. Plus, you have a boyfriend too. Actually you're married, I think.

Sabriel: TOUCHSTONE! You vile creature! We shall have to slay you!

_Neo draws guns that apparently he has had in his pockets the whole time. Sabriel simultaneously draws Kibeth and her sword. _

Giggles: RUN!

_All run insanely, plugging their ears, except for Gollum who scampers. They all miraculously manage not to get skewered, shot, or sent into death. Sabriel and Neo both give up and go home. (Neither has any problem with the fact that they live in alternate worlds and/or times.) _

_Much later: _

Giggles: (_collapsing on floor) _Pant, pant, pant. Whew. Well, that went well for a while…

Cackles: Yeah, until you let them go to the bloody movies! What a genius!

Giggles: Shut up, it was his idea.

Cackles: You can pant. I'll close up the episode. Thank you for viewing…

Giggles: WATCHING!

Cackles: …for _watching_ this episode of _Playing With Matches! _Yet again we remind our viewers that playing with matches is dangerous. So that we don't get sued next time one of our viewers cough Bailey cough burns down their own house, we strongly advise you all to _not _play with matches!

Audience: Awww…..


	5. Dory & Sebastian

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

AN: Giggles is based off of my dear sister, who helped me so much to write the stories, and Cackles is based off of me in a weird twisted sort of way. Oh yeah, my brother might have helped too… and maybe some of my friends… but mostly me. I deserve all that creative credit! J (But not the creative credit for the characters, but you know what I mean!) Oh and also, Harriett is a tribute to one of my bestest friends Ezzie!

Episode 5: Dory and Sebastian 

Giggles: Is there anyone in the audience who does not know what this show is or what it does?

Audience: Blub… Glub…

Giggles: Alright, good. Now what you all must really be wondering is why I have you all in scuba gear in a coral reef and wearing 3D glasses.

Audience Member: Is this Spy Kids 3D?

Giggles: No! Don't insult my creativity. Go sit in time out. If I ever catch anyone mentioning that movie, I won't give them my autograph.

Audience: SPY KIDS 3D!

Giggles: Ok, I get the point. Moving on… Today we have two very special, very aquatic, and very two dimensional characters on the show!

Female Audience Members: Flipper? Elijah Wood? DROOL….

Giggles: You idiots! Since when did Elijah Wood grow gills and become two dimensional?

Female Audience Members: Awww….

Giggles: Cackles, can I get some help subduing these rabid Elijah Wood fans?

Cackles: Elijah Wood? That means Frodo. That means…. LORD OF THE RINGS! HUZZA!

Giggles: Ok then. Anyway, please give a warm welcome to Dory and Sebastian!

Audience: HUZZA!

Dory: _(swimming out from behind some coral) _Well Hi!

Sebastian: What is going on here? Ariel!

Dory: Actually, my name's Dory. At least, it was the last time I checked….

Sebastian: Ok, so why am I here?

Giggles: You're on a date!

Sebastian: A date? I don't even have friends!

Dory: WOW! You guys are 3D!

Sebastian: Maybe now I will have friends.

Dory: Hi there, who are you?

Sebastian: Apparently I am your date.

Dory: Really? Cool! …._pauses a few seconds What's_ cool?

Sebastian: Land.

Dory: No it isn't!

Sebastian: Darling, it's hotter, under the water, take it from me.

Dory: I'll take your word for it.

Sebastian: Out in the sun they work all day, out in the sun they slave away…

Dory: Ooh! Ooh! I love that song! Can we sing it? Ok, how do the words go…? A whole new world!

Sebastian: Ok, you're done.

Dory: With what?

Sebastian: Singing. What is the matter with you?

Dory: I have short term memory loss…At least I think I do. Did I say that already? What is short term memory loss? Never mind. _Noticing growling stomach _My stomach wants food.

Sebastian: Mine too. Don't crabs eat fish?

Dory: No. Fish eat crabs. My stomach really wants food!

Sebastian: _(backing away slowly) _Shall…we…go…get…something…to… eat…at…a….**RESTAURANT**….

Dory: What's a restaurant?

Sebastian: Somebody needs to nail that girl's memory to her skull…

Dory: Be careful of the hammer.

Giggles: Alright, alright, we have an hour time slot so can we get the show on the road?

Dory: That's dangerous. It could get run over.

Sebastian: Ok, let's try Davy Jones' Locker. They have some great escargot.

Dory: Ok!

_At Davy Jones' Locker_

Dory: What's that smell?

Sebastian: My feet.

Dory: No, not that smell. This one's new.

Sebastian: I don't know. I don't have a nose.

Dory: Are you a communist?

Sebastian: What!

Dory: Are you poisonous?

Sebastian: What?

Dory: Am I colorblind?

Sebastian: If I told you I was poisonous, would you leave me alone?

Dory: I don't know, that depends on who you are.

Sebastian: I'm Sebastian, dammit! I'm the annoying over-paranoid tagalong character from The Little Mermaid. You can call me "pissed off."

Dory: Make up your mind. Are you Sebastian or Pissedoff?

Pissedoff: Whatever. (_Swims toward restaurant, but stops dead in his tracks) _What is that smell?

Dory: Where's the audience?

Giggles: In a smell-proof bunker.

Dory: What is that smell?

Giggles: Davy Jones' Locker is known for its road-kill of the ocean.

Sebastian: Sorry….

Dory: For what?

Sebastian: I didn't know that…

Dory: What's that smell?

Sebastian: Let's go somewhere else.

_Begin to swim. _

Sebastian: Bob's fish mart? Wait that's a pet store… _all shudder _Pudge the Fish's Peanut-Butter Sandwiches…I'm allergic to peanut-butter…

Dory: Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…

_Finally_

Dory: How about that one down there?

Sebastian: I don't know, I have a funny feeling about this….

Dory: It's all right, it'll be okay!

Sebastian: Ok…. Wait, what's that written there on the side?

Dory: I don't know, I can't read.

Sebastian: Where's Giggles?

Dory: I can read.

Sebastian: Oh well.

_Begin swimming toward mysterious restaurant. They walk in and a creepy yellow figure pops up to the counter_

Sponge Bob Square Pants: Welcome to the krusty krab! May I take your order?

Sebastian: Krusty _KRAB? NO! EEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!_

Dory: SPONGEBOB? NO! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

_Both swim like hell in opposite directions, as if they are being pursued by a vicious, hungry, shark_

Sponge Bob: Gee, I wonder what got into them. Meeh heeh heeh heeh.

Giggles: _sigh_ We're doomed. Nothing will ever work out. Ever. We're doomed to always…. Cackles? Where did you go? Audience? Hello?

Harriett (the camera person): The audience is down there getting autographs from 2-D Sponge Bob characters, and Cackles….well…. you know how she is about Sponge Bob. She took off when she first saw the place.

Giggles: Oh. Anyway, we're doomed to always have shows that never work out and always lose the audience. We're going to lose all our funding too, if this keeps on going!

Harriett: Are you kidding? They like it that it never works out! It's much more fun to see relationships not work out! This is corporate America!

Giggles: Well technically we're in Australia right now….

Harriett: You know what I mean.

Giggles: Really?

Harriett: Yes.

Giggles: Oh yeah! I feel so valued by my community!

Harriett: You are. You look proud of yourself.

Giggles: I am.

Harriett: You're very successful.

Giggles: Yay!

Harriett, to self: _How else can I compliment her without actually lying and saying the show is good?_

Giggles: Ok, that's it for Episode 5 of Playing with Matches! We are not responsible for stupid people who burn down their houses because of the title. Bye! _smiles_


	6. Gimli & Brittany Spears

A/N I am raking in the reviews, so I was hard put to it to decide between "Gimli and Brittany Spears" and "Malfoy and Buffy the Vampire Slayer." What it eventually boiled down to is that I have never seen Buffy the Vampire slayer, so I'll just have to wait to writ that one until I can have help from a friend who is familiar with it. That is next though! Thanks everyone for the great reviews!

Cackles: Hello and welcome to another episode of Playing with Matches! Guess what? The weirdest thing happened the other day. I realized that the title playing with matches is a pun! See, the first meaning is literally lighting matches and setting fire to the house.

Giggles: Stop that! You're encouraging them!

Cackles: Be good. Don't do drugs. Do your homework.

Giggles: That's better.

Cackles: But the other meaning, which I just realized yesterday, is that we're playing with matches as in (_breaks out into song_) Match maker match maker make me a match! Find me a find! Catch me a catch!

Giggles: She came up with the _title_ and she didn't know it was a pun.

Audience: It is?

Giggles: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Cackles: You sure are. But I'm the original idiot. Hee hee hee!

Giggles: Yes. You. Are. Here…(_takes long pointy object and taps Cackles on the shoulders)_ I hereby dub thee Cackles the Original Idiot.

Cackles (_running in circles leaping for joy)_: Oh frabjous day! Caloo! Calay!

Giggles: Quit chortling and galumphing, we have work to do. Now, to business. Is there an ImaPsychoSquirrel in the room?

Cackles: I'm a psychotic squirrel. That guy in the front row looks like a psychotic chipmunk.

Giggles: No, loser. ImaPsychoSquirrel is one of our reviewers who suggested a match.

Cackles: Well, I really am a psychotic squirrel. If there are any single, hot, psychotic squirrel hunks out there, sorry but I'm taken (_stares longingly blown up picture of Gollum mounted on the ceiling)._

Giggles: ImaPsychoSquirrel? Be thou in the room?

ImaPsychoSquirrel(_waving paw in the air_): Here I am!

Giggles: Crimeny! You really _are _a squirrel!

ImaPsychoSquirrel: Yup, and I brought in both Gimli and Brittany Spears! (_scampers to door) _They are behind this very door!

Giggles: So let them in!

ImaPsychoSquirrel: Can I get a little help with this door?

_Harriett opens door. Gimli waddles in and Brittany sluts in, I mean struts! My mistake. _

Brittany (chewing gum): Smack smack smack. So like, what are we doing?

Cackles: This was a mistake.

Brittany: I'm sooo hot.

Giggles: That was random.

Brittany: No really it's hot in here. I'd better take off my jacket. (_removes tank top to reveal pink pleather bra_.) Much better.

_Male audience begins to drool. _

Giggles: Guys, put your tongues back in your mouth please. She's not that hot.

Brittany: Yeah, cause I took off my jacket. I'm actually quite cool now! Wow, look, there are the cameras! Hi cameras!

_Brittany_ _smiles and sticks out her chest. Giggles hides her face._

Giggles: ImaPsychoSquirrel, I blame you.

Brittany: So where am I?

Cackles: This is blind dating show, blah blah blah, we've paired you up with, let's see… (_pauses and checks list for dramatic effect)_ Gimli.

Brittany: Cool. I have a lot of boyfriends. I actually kinda think one of them is a girl dressing up as a guy, cause he always wears this weird hat and he won't take his clothes off… and he has boobs. Kinda weird doncha think? (_Twirls hair and smacks gum.)_

_Cackles and Giggles exchange an "I'm surrounded by idiots" glance._

Brittany: Speaking of boobs, do like my new ones? I got them redone the day before yesterday. What do you guys think?

_Brittany_ _begins to lift up pleather bra but Giggles interrupts._

Giggles: Wow, stop! We don't allow nudity on our show! Please, can you wait till after to flash the audience!

Male Audience: Awwwwww……

Giggles: Oh my God, can you imagine the legal complications we'd have to deal with?

Cackles: You mean that _you'd _ have to deal with. Remember I don't take care of all the paperwork and legal crap, that's your job.

Giggles: So…. Where did Gimli go?

Cackles: Oh. He does seem to be missing, doesn't he? Why don't you go check in the lobby?

Giggles: Fine.

Cackles: So Brittany, are you excited for you big date? (_to herself) _Hee hee hee…

Brittany: Yeah, I guess so. Is he tall?

Cackles: I wouldn't say so…

Brittany: Is he as hot as me?

Cackles: Who could honestly compare with your astounding beauty?

Brittany: I guess you're right. I am pretty sexy. Plus I'm talented.

Cackles: COUGH COUGH.

Brittany: Are you okay? Do you have mono? I had mono yesterday. That's that one disease where you kiss people?

Cackles: Yeah, sure.

Brittany: I kissed a lot of people yesterday, so I think I had mono.

Giggles: Here he is. Your date.

Gimli: Oh my! She's more beautiful than Galadriel!

_Gimli_ _faints. _

Brittany: Oh, my, God! It's more hideous than… than… that guy that sat next to me in math 1 my senior year!

_Brittany_ _faints._

Cackles: Somebody check their pulses!

_Giggles and Cackles check pulses._

Giggles: Somebody call an ambulance!

_Audience pull out cell phones._

Cackles: Just one person please!

_Audience look around confusedly and finally seem to decide on one person (the guy Cackles thought looked like a psycho chipmunk) in the front row, who dials 911. _

Cackles: This was a really bad idea. I never thought the show would get this out of hand! I mean, it's kinda funny how it never turns out well, but…

Giggles: Well who's fault is that?

Cackles: Certainly not _mine!_

Giggles: Ha! Well, I guess it's a good thing I had those consent waivers printed up last time, so technically they legally agreed not to sue us for anything that happened….

Cackles: You're the one who's over-prepared and paranoid!

Giggles: Well I'm obviously not _over-_prepared. You see, bad things do happen. Do you think this show would have ever gotten anywhere without me, the responsible one?

Cackles: Where would you be without _me? _I saved us! It was me! We survived because of me! Nobody likes you, you don't have any friends. You're a liar and a thief. Murderer!

Giggles: Cackles, that's Gollum's speech.

Cackles: Oh. Right. But still.

_Ambulance arrives. Gimli and Brittany are taken away. _

Giggles: I hope their okay.

Cackles: Yeah. Not Brittany though, I'm sick of her.

Giggles: Cackles!

Cackles: What? She's annoying.

Giggles: I'll admit to that, but I still hope they're alright.

Cackles: Blah blah blah.

Audience: So, should we go now?

Giggles: Yeah, I'm sorry that was a big waste. I guess you can have you're money back.

Male Audience: Naw, that was totally worth it!

Sane Audience: Are you kidding me? We got to see Brittany Spears have a heart attack! Next time can you get Jessica Simpson in here and kill her?

Giggles: Um, let me see…. NO!

Cackles: Hee hee hee!

Giggles: And Brittany's not dead! She's going to be fine.

_Cell phone of audience member who called 911 rings. He picks up, listens for a few seconds and says bye. _

Audience Member: That was the hospital or whatever. They said to say that Brittany Spears and the short ugly dude are okay.

Giggles and Male Audience: Phew!

Cackles and Sane Audience: Damn!

Giggles: Okay, great, but could you all just do me one little favor? Please don't spread this around? I don't want anyone to find out.

_Audience gives very vague mutter of agreement. _

Giggles: Thank you so much! Okay, you can all leave now.

_Audience files out. _

Cackles: That's going to be all over the news tomorrow. "Brittany Spears and Midget Hospitalized For Heart Attacks Caused By Insane, Evil Amateur Film Makers."

Giggles: Nonsense. They said they wouldn't mention it. Plus, that's way too long a headline. I'm going to go keep that from being aired.

Cackles: I'll try to get the editor not to publish this episode on that website.

Giggles: Can I trust you to do that?

Cackles: I promise. I'm more reliable than you'd think I am.

Giggles: Great, we don't have to say all those dumb warnings. I could tell everyone to douse their grandmothers in gasoline and torch them, and I wouldn't get in trouble! Everybody burn their bloody houses down, I don't give a shit!

Cackles: You have pent up anger issues. I think you should get a therapist.

Giggles: You're probably right.


	7. Snow White & Cinderella

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

Episode 6: Snow White & Cinderella 

Cackles: Hi everyone, welcome back to Playing with Matches!

Emily: Yeah, after what, 3 years?

Giggles: It's not our fault we were in jail for kidnapping all those characters.

Cackles: Yeah, it was their fault for not coming willingly.

Giggles: I mean, who wouldn't want to be on our show?

Cackles: Well…. You remember last-

Giggles: What last time? Nothing happened last time! Last episode was Dory and Sebastian! REMEMBER?!!

Cackles: Ah. I see.

Audience….

Cackles: Anyway, back to the show! But first we would like to remind our viewers that blah blah blah don't burn your house down blah blah blah dangerous, yeah we get it. Giggles, why do we have to give them that reminder, anyway?

Giggles: Do you want another lawsuit?

Cackles: Oh yeah… that wasn't pretty.

Giggles: The legal system today. Sigh…. What can you do?

Cackles: So anyway, Giggles and I were watching Shrek the other day-

Giggles: Mmmmm… Parfait! (_Drool)_

Cackles: And there's that scene at the end where everyone's dancing and you see Cinderella & Snow White dancing together and we thought they'd actually make a really cute couple!

Giggles: _You _thought that.

Cackles: Don't be silly.

Giggles: It's not going to work. Haven't you seen the movies? Snow White and Cinderella are both women with very traditional values.

Cackles: Like living with seven old men?

Giggles: You know what I mean. They're obviously both straight.

Cackles: So?

Giggles: Can we actually try to make a match that would work for once?

Emily: Me and Alacard would work!

Cackles: I don't know who that is.

Emily: He's this really hot vamp-

Cackles (_interrupting Emily)_: I don't really care. Really though, Giggles, I think this one might actually attract more male viewers.

Giggles: Sigh… you're hopeless.

Cackles: Emily, bring them in.

Emily: What am I, your slave?

Cackles: Do you want to be on this show?

Emily: Yes! I want you to do an episode with me and Alacard!

Cackles: For the last time, I don't know who that is. Plus I would have no idea where I could find him to kidnap-

Giggles: "Offer him a rare and special opportunity," Cackles, not "kidnap," please!

Cackles: Alright. I don't know where I would find him to offer him a rare and special opportunity.

Emily (_going to door)_: Fine.

Snow White: Oh dear me, where am I?

Cinderella: I wasn't done folding my laundry!

Snow White: Indeed! What are you people thinking, prying a woman away from her cooking to take her heaven knows where, with heaven knows who! My muffins must be burned black by now.

Giggles: We'd like to try not to use words like "prying." We don't want to make this look like another kidnapping. We'd like to not get involved with the police again.

Cinderella: We demand an explanation!

Cackles: Well, you both have been given the rare and special opportunity to star on an episode of our dating show!

Snow White: Sillies, are you not aware that I'm married?

Cinderella: Me too.

Cackles: I'm sure you'll change your minds.

Giggles: I'm not so sure.

Snow White: So is this a double date?

Cackles: No, "silly," you two are dating each other.

Snow White: Um, she's a woman.

Cackles: I can see that.

Cinderella: Did you miss kindergarten or something? Women date _men_, not other women.

Giggles: I think it's time to give up now, Cackles.

Cackles (_in whisper to Giggles)_: No, I don't think so. Let's just see how this turns out. (_to_ _Snow White and Cinderella) _Well you two, why don't you both just try going somewhere as friends. It's good for you to get out of the house once in a while anyway.

Cinderella: Well, I suppose my prince can wait an hour or so for his supper.

Snow White: All right, I guess it would be good to have a little relaxation.

Cinderella: Shall we play bridge?

Snow White: What a wonderful idea! I'll call a few of my friends and invite them over to play!

_Snow White picks up phone. Cackles slams down receiver. _

Cackles: I actually had something else in mind. Trust me, it'll be fun.

_Snow White and Cinderella look apprehensive, but nod in agreement. _

Cackles: All right! Everyone pile into the minivan!

Giggles: You have seven seats. With camera crew we have eight people.

Cackles: Oh well. Snow White, Cinderella, you can double buckle in the front seat, can't you?

_Snow White and Cinderella exchange awkward glance._

_20 minutes later_

Cinderella: My, that was uncomfortable!

Snow White: Where are we?

Cackles: Oh, just a bar.

Snow White: A _bar!?_

Giggles: Sit down. Don't mind the camera crew; they'll just be over there in that corner filming you. You won't even know they're there.

_Camera crew waves._

Cinderella: I'm not so sure I like this idea.

Snow White: Sooooo….

_Awkward pause._

Cinderella: So.

_Another awkward pause._

Cinderella & Snow White (_simultaneously_): So what do you….

_Awkward pause._

Cinderella & Snow White (_simultaneously_): I'm sorry, you go first.

_Both laugh._

Snow White: So what do you think we're supposed to do here?

Cackles (_interjecting)_: It's a bar. You order a drink, you drink it, you talk.

Cinderella & Snow White: Oh, I don't drink.

Cackles: That's nice. Oh good, here comes the waitress.

Waitress: What'll it be?

Snow White: I'll have a Diet Coke.

Cackles: She'll have a Corona.

_Snow White glares. _

Cackles: A _light _Corona then.

Cinderella: Do you have apple juice?

Cackles: And the same for her. Oh, and a Root Beer for me. (_muttering_ _angrily) _Can't wait till I turn 21.

Waitress: Sure thing.

Snow White: Why are those women _kissing?_

Cinderella: Maybe they're sisters?

Snow White:……….

Cinderella: Oh my! You're right, they certainly aren't sisters!

Snow White: Ughhhh. I have three loads of laundry to wash tonight.

Cinderella: I know what you mean. We're having guests tomorrow night for supper. I have to clean the whole house and do dishes. Not to mention the cooking. I'm making chicken florentine with alfredo sauce.

Snow White: Sigh…. If house keeping is this hard as just a wife, I can't imagine what I'll do when my Prince Charming decides he wants children.

Cinderella: My Prince Charming is already taking about children. He wants six boys.

Snow White: To tell you the truth, I don't know if I want children.

Cinderella: Neither do I, but can you imagine telling anyone that? They'd put you straight in a mental ward. "Can you imagine any woman not wanting children?"

Snow White: I agree. Society puts too much pressure on married women to be mothers.

Waitress: Here you are (_setting down the beers)_, and a Root Beer for you…

Cackles: Hey Cinderella, can I have just a tiny sip of your beer?

Cinderella: I don't think that's legal.

Snow White (_To waitress_): Thank you.

Cackles: Okay, I'll just be over in the corner if you need me. Hee hee hee!

Snow White: That was an odd laugh.

Cinderella: I should say so. (_picking_ _up beer) _Well, I suppose one drink won't hurt.

Snow White: No, I suppose not.

Cinderella: Can I tell you a secret, woman to woman?

Snow White: Of course.

Cinderella: I honestly don't think its that much better living with the prince than it was living with my step mother. That is, I thought getting out of the house would be liberating, but I've found I spend just as much cooking and cleaning for him as I did for them, if not more. And I understand he's busy with work, but he never spends any time with me anymore, and he never seems to appreciate anything I do.

Snow White: I empathize _completely._

Cinderella: And here's the worst part. Would you promise me never to tell anyone?

Snow White: Of course I do.

Cackles (_in whisper to camera crew_): Let's get a close up of this.

Cinderella: I don't think I really love him. I mean, I don't think I even really like him that much. I don't think I ever did. I think I was just desperate and anxious to get out of the house and the idea of meeting royalty was exciting and new. So I guess when I met him, being young, I thought I had fallen in love with him. And it was good while it lasted, but…

Snow White: He's just not the one.

Cinderella: Yeah.

Snow White: I know what you mean. I've gotten awfully tired of the constant house work, although it's not quite as bad for me as you described. Prince Charming is really good to me, you know, he's really sweet. He always tells me he loves me and we go out to dinner quite often. He's actually quite romantic. Last week was our third anniversary and he bought me a dozen roses. He's so nice, but…I'm just…

Cinderella: Not attracted to him.

Snow White: Yeah.

Cinderella: And you'd just like to get out of the house sometimes on your own without feeling guilty about leaving the work undone and leaving him to make his own dinner, God knows he couldn't make toast. You're just afraid he'd feel…

Snow White: Abandoned?

Cinderella: Yeah.

Snow White: When in reality he's the one that's been abandoning you during the whole marriage.

Cinderella: You know, he has really has.

Snow White: And you deserve someone who has time for you.

Cinderella: And you deserve someone who you actually love.

Snow White: You're right, we both deserve better.

Waitress: Is everything all right?

Cinderella (_gazing at Snow White_): Wonderful actually.

Waitress: Could I get you something else?

Snow White (_snapping out of a trance)_: Oh dear me! I drank the whole thing!

Cinderella: Wow, me too. You know, I think we're both done here.

Waitress: Should I bring the check to you or to that girl over there with the cameras who claims to know you?

_Cinderella turns to Cackles and Giggles starting intently at them from the corner. _

Cinderella: To them, I think.

Cackles: I think they're really hitting it off!

Giggles: Nonsense.

Cinderella: Do you want to get out of here?

Snow White: I'd love that.

Cinderella: Would you like to go see a movie?

Snow White: There isn't anything good at the theaters.

Cinderella: How about bowling?

Snow White: I'd love to.

Cinderella: Wonderful!

Snow White: Oh no.

Cackles: Oh no!

Cinderella: What's the matter?

Snow White: It's 8:30. I have to get home. He'll worry.

Giggles: See, it's impossible. We're destined to not have a match work out.

Cinderella: Oh forget him. Just call and say you'll be sleeping at a friend's to work on quilting project.

Snow White: Would your husband mind?

Cinderella: Well, probably, yes. For one thing he'd notice we'd be getting home after 11:00 and he'd wonder what I've been up to. He's probably think I was cheating.

Snow White: Oh.

Cinderella: What now?

Snow White: Well, a little white lie never hurt anyone. Why don't you tell your husband the same thing, and we'll rent a hotel room?

Cinderella: I sure hope they don't find out.

Snow White: Don't worry. I got good at hiding from overbearing psychos when my stepmother tried to kill me out of jealousy.

_Both call home using phone at bar. _

Cackles: See! I told you! They're leaving together!

Giggles: Can this really be our show? A match is really actually working out! Do you know what this means?

Cackles: I was right and you were wrong!

Giggles: I was going to say that we're going to get funding, but I guess you're right.

Cackles: Hee hee hee! Wheeeeeee! I made a match that worked! I'm right for once! _(Sticks out tongue)_

Giggles: Okay, you can shut up now. Anyway, maybe they just really connect as friends. That doesn't mean they're lesbians.

Cackles: Hee hee hee!

Giggles: That laugh is really driving me crazy. So should we follow them? They're going bowling, right?

Cackles: No, let's leave them… alone!

Giggles: Alright, whatever you say.

Cackles: Oooooohh!!! I have a great idea for the next show!

Giggles: Shhhh! You can't say it now, then they won't be surprised. You can tell me later.

_Cackles sticks out her tongue and makes a pouty face. _

Giggles: Thank you for watching this episode of Playing with Matches!

Cackles: That actually worked! IN YOUR FACE!

Giggles: Anyway, we hope you come back next time for Cackles' supposedly brilliant idea.


	8. Aladdin & Hercules

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

Episode 8: Aladdin and Hercules

Cackles: Good evening and welcome to the new amazing episode of P W M!

Giggles: PWM?

Cackles: Yeah, **P**laying **W**ith **M**atches! It's called "word economy." It saves you time talking if you substitute letters for words.

Giggles: No, because you spend extra time explaining what you meant, because no one gets it the first time.

Cackles: W E.

Giggles?

Cackles: What ever.

Giggles: I D C.

Cackles: What?

Giggles: My point exactly.

Cackles: I D C doesn't stand for "my point exactly," you'd have to say M P E. You don't get it.

Giggles: And now for Cackles's brilliant idea!

_Audience actually gives a half hearted smattering of applause. _

Giggles: Ooooh! They're actually clapping! Cackles, listen!

Cackles: Shhhh! You have to pretend like you're used to it, or they'll think you don't really deserve it.

_The side door bursts open and Hercules rushes up on stage. _

Hercules: Hey guys. Did I miss anything? I was just working out at the gym.

_He flexes, and winks at the janitor. _

Hercules: So is this the cute guy?

_Alex the janitor looks terrified and brandishes a spray bottle of Windex as Hercules flashes him a pearly white cartoon smile. _

Cackles: Woah there! That's Alex the janitor. Leave the poor guy alone, your date will be here soon enough.

_Alex runs away. Harriett pushes Aladdin onto the stage. _

Aladdin (_In a whiney voice_): Come on, let go. My arm hurts. Ow!

_Harriett prods him in the back. _

Cackles: You two are just _made_ for each other!

Aladdin: What? Him? I'm not gay!

_Hercules flips his golden hair aside and winks at Aladdin. Aladdin smiles and blushes and then looks away and coughs._

Aladdin (_very seriously_): I'm not gay.

_Cackles elbows him in the ribs and winks to Giggles, who rolls her eyes and covers her face with her hands. _

Aladdin: Ouch, stop it.

Hercules: Can I pet your monkey? He's so cute!

Aladdin: Um, sure…

Aboo(indignantly): Ooo ooo eee eee naaaaa aaa!

Hercules: So, do you like, wanna go get coffee or something?

Aladdin: No! (_to__ self_) Although I do hate to pass up free food… (_to__ Aboo)_

What do you think Aboo?

Aboo: Ooo Oooo Eee Aaaa EEEEEEEE!

Aladdin: I guess you're right. (_to__ Hercules_) No thank you.

Hercules: How about a movie?

Aladdin: I don't think so…

Hercules: Spider Man 3?

Aladdin (_thinking about Tobey Maguire_): Well…..

Hercules: I'll buy popcorn….

Aladdin (_thinking about his stomach) :_ It's a deal!

Aboo: Waaa aaaa oo, nee eee!

Aladdin: Aboo!

Hercules: What's that?

Aladdin: Uhhh… he says that I uhhh… have to share popcorn with him…

Hercules: No problem! Let's take my car. It's parked out front.

_At Spider Man 3_

Hercules: Let's sit in the back row.

Aladdin (_looking up at the window where the projector is_): Is that a camera? I seriously thought I just saw that scary girl duck out of sight with a camera.

Hercules: Oooh, a camera where?

_He turns around and smiles and waves. Aladdin sits down nervously. _

Hercules: Here, have some popcorn. I didn't get butter on it, I'm on a bit of a diet to go along with my exercise routine. I work out at the gym every single day.

_He flexes his muscles. _

Hercules: Yeah, my max on bench press is 17.6 tons. And my max on the leg sled is- What the? Did you already finish off all the popcorn?

Aladdin (_through a mouthful of popcorn_): Weww, Awoo ha mos off it. gulp

Aboo (_defensively)_: Naaa aa aaaa!

Hercules: You act like you haven't eaten in days!

Aladdin: Well, I did have a half of a loaf of bread the day before yesterday…

Hercules: Oooh, the movie's starting!

_Hercules pretends to yawn and puts his arm around the back of Aladdin's chair. _

Hercules: We have the theatre all to ourselves.

Aladdin: Er… I have to go… to the bathroom. All that soda, you know? I'll be… right back.

_Aladdin rushes out of the theatre and stands panting in the hallway. He rubs the lamp and the genie emerges. _

Aladdin: Genie, what do I do?

Genie: Just be yourself.

Aladdin: I can't. If they found out who I really was… they'd laugh at me.

Genie: Yeah, you might get a hot date out of it, too. That Hercules guy isn't half bad. Just tell them the truth!

Aladdin: I just can't. Plus, he's kind of egotistical.

Genie: Come on, Aladdin. Just go in there and be yourself.

Aladdin: Well, okay.

_Aladdin walks back into the theatre and sits down. Remembering what Genie said, he begins to stuff his face with popcorn. Hercules pretends to yawn and stretches his arm out around Aladdin's shoulder. _

Aladdin (_coughing all the popcorn out of his cheeks)_: Aackkputttt!

_Hercules wipes a fleck of spitty popcorn off of his cheek._

Hercules_ (to himself)_: Well this is romantic.

_Genie begins to buzz around Aladdin's head._

Genie: Bee your self!

Cackles: Yeah, nobody's watching!

Aladdin: Okay fine!

_Aladdin nervously and awkwardly shoots out for Hercules's hand, who then leans over and tries to kiss him.__ Aladdin pushes him away. _

Hercules: Okay, I'm sick of this hot/cold bullshit. Just tell me what you want! Are you gay or not?

Aladdin: Yes. Well, no. Well, I'm bi, but it's just… Don't you think this is going a little fast? I mean, I only just met you!

Hercules: I guess this means you don't want to come over to my place afterwards?

Aladdin (_aghast)_: What?

Hercules: Look, I'm sorry. We can go slower if you want. I didn't realize you had a problem with it.

Aladdin: It's okay, whatever. This is not working out. I'm going to leave.

Hercules: But why? Don't you think I'm hot?

Aladdin: This is just too much for me. This is the first time anybody's ever even found out that I was bi, okay? I don't really want to deal with this right now. Thanks for the popcorn.

_Aladdin stalks out of the theatre muttering something about how nobody understands him. _

Hercules (_standing up to go)_: I guess I'll be going then.

Cackles: What happened? My plan was so brilliant!

Giggles: Well I'll give you one thing. You were right about them being gay.

Cackles: Duh, it's called gaydar. You should get one.

Giggles: Where?

Cackles: Try Amazon. That's where I got mine.

Giggles: Okay. Hey, next time can we do someone other than cartoons? They're kind of getting old.

Cackles: But- but- but- but- I had the best idea!

Giggles: Well, we can do it later. Can I decide for a change?

Cackles: What if I said no?

Giggles: Then I'd tie you to a red anthill.

Cackles: Okay then…

Giggles: So what did you think of Spiderman 3?

Cackles: Well, I didn't actually throw up so I guess it's better than I expected. Spiderman? An emo? That's just dumb.

Giggles: I thought he looked kind of like Aladdin there for a minute. You know, with the emo hair and all?

Cackles: Yeah, you're right. Aladdin did look sort of emo…

Giggles: And did you hear him on the way out muttering something about nobody understanding him?

Cackles: Yeah. Huh. Now that I think about it I totally see it.

Aladdin: I'm not emo. Don't call me emo! Nobody understands me! _To self, singing If_ only they'd look closer. Would they see an emo? No siree, they'd find out there's so much more to me….

Cackles: Where did you come from? I thought you'd left! You scared the pants off me!

Aladdin: Oh, I noticed on my way in that you had a mini fridge in the back. I was just finishing off the left over lasagna. I'll be off now.

_Aladdin leaves. _

Cackles: Okay them. Well, TTYL MWP fans! We'll BRB with a new cartoonless episode!

Giggles: Don't burn things!


	9. Violet & Neville

Playing with Matches

The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.

Episode 9: Violet Baudilaire and Neville

Cackles: My dear readers and viewers. I have to warn you. This is a story of woe. If you are looking for a fanfic with happy endings and good couples I recommend that you click the back button at the top of your screen and search for Harry/Ginny fanfics. For this show does not have a happy ending. If you enjoy tragedy and fires started by idiots playing with matches, rabid chipmunks, fire pokers, mustard gas, and other such disastrous things, then this is the fanfic for you.

Giggles: Indeed. Well said, well said.

Cackles: Today we have two special guests, from books, not Disney movies, as requested by Giggles.

Giggles: Yes. Violet Baudelaire from the yet untapped Series of Unfortunate Events. I thought Neville would be a good match because he is kind of unfortunate.

Cackles: Right you are Giggles.

_Harriett ushers in Neville who is holding something vile, slimy and puss colored in a small flowerpot. _

Neville: What's going on?

_Jessica enters from the left with Violet who has Sunny in tow. ._

Cackles (_pointing at Jessica):Who's_ that?

Giggles: Oh her? That's the new intern.

Cackles: We have an intern?

Giggles: Yeah, Harriett's training her. I was going to use the extra funding we got to hire a new employee, but then Jessica showed up. She's a huge fan and she wanted to work for us. I was going to pay her, but then she offered to work for free. Pretty good deal eh? So anyway, I got to use that extra money on some new equipment for the camera crew.

Jessica: What? You were going to pay me?

Giggles: Shut up and go make us some coffee.

Cackles: Actually can you run to Starbucks and get me a caramel macchiato? I don't really like the coffee we've got here.

Jessica: Sure thing.

Cackles: I think I like this Jessica person!

Violet: I hope you don't mind, I had to bring Sunny along. I couldn't just leave her by herself. She'd chew our uncle's ex-wife's cousin's daughter's boyfriend's grandparent's house to shreds.

Cackles: No problem.

Neville: Yeah, I had to bring my nimbliwimblyblurblepuss plant along. It needs to be fed every hour or it shrivels up and dies.

Violet: Oh. I see. What do you feed it?

Neville (_staring down at his bandaged fingers)_: Erm… it's a sort of … special plant food kind of...

Violet: Ah, I see.

Neville: Speaking of which, she needs to be fed soon. Would you excuse me?

Cackles: Sure.

Neville: Where's your bathroom?

Cackles: Out the main doors, and down the hall to the right.

Neville: Thanks.

Sunny: Gla! _Which meant, "What a weirdo.__" _

_Neville leaves stroking the plant and whispering to it._

Violet: So what is all this about?

Giggles: Well, you have been offered the rare and exciting opportunity to be on our blind dating show, Playing With Matches!

Violet: Oh, how fortunate!

_Actually, it was not fortunate at all. Little did Violet know, the two Baudilaire orphans were about to encounter a great deal of misery and suffering. _

Cackles: Yes, and that handsome young lad is your date. His name is Neville.

Sunny: Snuff! _Which meant: "Yeah right.__ There's no way in hell this date will work out. It'll go straight down the toilet just like all the other episodes on this poor excuse for a dating show."_

Giggles: Quite so.

_Neville returns from the bathroom with a fresh Band-Aid on his arm. _

Cackles: Can't you just fix those magically instead of using Band-Aids?

Neville: Oh, right, well, I'm not very good at healing spells yet, but I guess I could try…Repairo!

_Naturally, Neville's left wrist breaks with a crunching noise and hands limply at an odd angle._

Neville: Not again! Gran's going to be furious at me.

Violet: Here, maybe I can fix it up temporarily.

Neville: With what?

Violet (_tying her hair up with a ribbon)_: Oh, there's always something. Can I borrow you hair chopsticks Jessica?

Jessica: Of course! Here you go!

_Violet unties her hair ribbon and ties it around Neville's wrist and the chopsticks as a makeshift splint. _

Violet: There.

Neville: Thanks!

Violet (_looking into his eyes)_: My pleasure.

Neville (_looking into her eyes) :_ You have pretty eyes.

_Both immediately blush. _

Violet: Do you want to go somewhere?

Neville: Yeah, okay.

Violet: Where should we go?

Neville: How about the botanical gardens?

Sunny: Ooga. _Which meant, "This guy is a total nerd, Violet.__ Don't waste your time on him."_

Violet: That sounds lovely. But how should we get there? I mean, I don't have a car. I don't even have my licence.

Neville: And I haven't passed my apparition test and I can't fly. Oh well, I guess we can't get there. I suppose we could just stay here and do something.

Violet _(taking the ribbon off of Neville's arm to tie her hair up again) :_ There's always a way.

Neville: Ouch.

Violet (_to Cackles) :_ Do you mind if I borrow this chair?

_20 minutes later…_

Neville: Wow, you built a car.

Violet: Yep. I used some lemons from the mini fridge in back to power a battery which is the main power source which spins the wheels on these two office chairs I tied together with a shoelace.

Cackles: Damn, girl. Have you ever considered the science fair?

Violet: This table leg attaches to the front wheels so this is how you steer…

Giggles: You do know we could have given you a ride, right?

_Violet ignores her._

Neville: Can I have that ribbon back? My arm is getting tired from holding this in place.

Violet: Oh, right.

_Violet reties the ribbon around his makeshift splint. _

Violet: Shall we?

_And then Violet and Neville drove to the botanical gardens and had a wonderful time and fell in love. Neville's Gran let the entire Baudilaire family move in with them. Neville and Violet eventually got married and had two children and named them after Violet's dead parents and they all lived happily ever after. I would love to say that this is how the episode ends. But Cackles said in the beginning that this is not a happy story. If you are still hoping to read a happy story you should press the back button at the top of the screen and find a Ron/Hermione fanfic. I must tell what actually happened to Neville and Violet. Suddenly and unexpectedly, a piano,_ _which for those of you who don't know is a large stringed instrument with 88 keys, crashed though the ceiling and landed directly on top of Violet Baudilaire._

Cackles: Oh my God! Every body help lift it up!

_Together Cackles, Giggles, Neville, Alex, Jessica, and Harriett manage to lift the piano off of Violet._

Giggles: Somebody check her pulse!

Alex: She's breathing!

Cackles: I feel a pulse!

Giggles: Thank God!

Alex: I think she'll live. It mostly landed on her legs, so I don't think it crushed any vital organs. She probably won't be able to walk again.

Jessica: Her legs are bent at the femur! I can't stand it!

_Jessica throws up. Neville meanwhile is looking at Violet with a pale terrified face. _

Giggles: Alright, I've called 911. They should be here soon.

Neville: No, we should take her to St. Mungo's. They've treated muggles before. They'll take her. They have to. They have to…

_Neville begins to cry._

Cackles: It's okay, Neville. I'm sure they'll let her in. He's right, Giggles, that's a better place to take her, they might be able to give her some skelegro so she can walk again.

Sunny: Ga! _Which meant, "Damn you, Lemony Snicket!__"_

_Neville is squeezing her hand tightly. _

Neville: I'm going to have to apparate. I know I haven't passed my test yet, but I know how, I've done it a few times managing to only leave my trousers behind. We don' t have that much time. Hold on, Violet.

_Neville and Violet disappear leaving only a pair of jeans and a shoe. Everyone in the room breathes a collective sigh of relief. There is a moments pause._

Giggles: Wait, what the f was a piano doing falling thought our ceiling?!

Cackles: That's what you get for picking a Lemony Snicket character. You can't say you didn't see it coming.

Giggles: A piano falling though the roof!? No I did not see it coming! (_yelling__ upstairs_) What the hell is going on up there?

Piano mover: Oh, sorry about that. We were moving a piano into this vacant office space because some guy named Leny Spicket or something like that ordered one to this address. The floor must be rotten here.

Sunny: Ga!

Giggles: Cackles, I think that there is a higher omnipotent presence controlling this show other than ourselves.

Cackles: And they were getting along so well until that! They totally would have worked out!

Giggles: Well, at least they don't have parents that are going to sue our show for every penny that we have.

Cackles: Giggles! What a horrible thing to say!

Giggles: Well it's true! If they weren't orphans their parents would murder us! Jessica! You did make her sign one of those waivers I had you make a hundred copies of? Just in case?

Jessica: Of course!

Giggles: Good. I hope she's alright.

Cackles: She's going to St. Mungo's. They'll fix her up good.

Giggles: Maybe she and Neville will still end up together.

Cackles: Yeah right. I don't think that there's any chance of that happening after what we saw just now.

Giggles: You're probably right. That's tragic, I think they really fancied each other.

Cackles(_pointedly at Giggles_): Well, I think we've learned an important lesson about choosing our characters carefully.

Giggles: What a pity, I was going to use Claus and Hermione if this didn't work out.

Cackles: Yeah, but we've already used Hermione.

Giggles: So? It didn't work out.

Cackles: So she wouldn't want to come back.

Giggles: Well it doesn't matter either way because we know we'd end up getting a harpsichord dropped on Clauses head. _Looking up at the gaping hole in the ceiling._That's not going to be cheap to fix. Damn. I'm going to have to return the new camera equipment. The landlord is going to be so pissed.

Cackles: You know, Giggles, you always talk about all this legal crap and how scared you are of people suing you. Why don't you sue someone for a change. I mean, Lemony Snicket just had a piano dropped though your ceiling. That's damage to your property and to your personal happiness, not to mention the damage it did to the chances of your show because people are now scared they'll get mortally wounded in your show, so that's infringing on your right to the pursuit of happiness.

Giggles: Wow, you're totally right! I could totally make a case against him! I never thought of that!

Cackles: I am a genious.

Giggles: Hey genius, you spelled genious wrong.

Cackles: How could you know that? I'm talking.

Giggles: It says here in the script.

Cackles: WHAT SCRIPT! There is NO SCRIPT!

Giggles: The end of episode 9! By next episode I'll have made a fortune off of my lawsuit!


End file.
